| There’s a question I’ve carried for years: How do we decide whom to marry when the one thing no one teaches us is what love will actually feel like? We check résumés, ask the right questions, gather impressions, weigh values, hashkafah, goals—but the process is silent about the one thing that actually sustains a relationship: the inner emotional experience. Not on the first date. Not when it’s easy. But years in.
We walk into shidduchim thinking we’re being rational. We ask about family, careers, whether she wears makeup, whether he davens with a minyan. But then it begins—one date, two dates, maybe ten—and a new kind of voice starts speaking. It’s not about facts anymore. It’s about how it feels. And this is where the process often goes quiet. Because we were never taught what to expect from our own feelings. What It Will Feel Like is the book I wrote for everyone navigating this exact silence. It’s for those who panic after a few dates when the excitement fades. For the girl who wonders if she “settled” because she doesn’t feel butterflies. For the shadchan who hears, “There’s nothing wrong, but I just don’t feel it anymore.” This book is a map for emotional transitions in relationships—not just in marriage, but in dating. It weaves together Torah wisdom, clinical research, neuroscience, and personal stories to explain how romantic feelings evolve over time—and how misinterpreting that evolution causes some of the most promising shidduchim to end before they ever had a chance. |
| The first chapter, “The Lie We All Tell Ourselves,” opens with a truth we all need to hear: that no one can perfectly predict the future. We all try. We imagine our lives with this person. We wait for a feeling that never quite arrives. Or we get one—and then it fades. That, too, is human. The book begins by exposing the myth of perfect emotional clarity, and why that myth causes people to walk away from something good the moment their feelings dip.
Chapter 2 introduces “affective forecasting”—the scientific term for our attempt to predict how we’ll feel in the future—and why we’re so consistently bad at it. Research shows people mispredict their emotional reactions in almost every area of life: money, career, health—and love. What this means in shidduchim is that we tend to put enormous weight on what we’re feeling now without understanding how those feelings will change, deepen, or return later in new forms. Chapter 3, “How Emotions Age,” explores the biological and spiritual foundations of why love changes. Early excitement is chemically driven—dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin. That’s not fantasy. That’s Hashem’s design. But it’s not sustainable. As love matures, it becomes quieter, steadier. This shift isn’t the end of love. It’s the beginning of something real. The tragedy is that many shidduchim end at the very moment they are about to deepen. Chapter 4 unpacks the disorientation many feel when early enchantment fades. We often interpret this as incompatibility when it is actually the beginning of growth. Couples who stay the course—who continue to choose each other through the less romantic phases—often reach something far more profound than anything the first few dates could reveal. In later chapters, the book explores emotional safety, the role of curiosity, the difference between chemistry and kindness, and the sacred work of choosing a spouse not just based on attraction, but based on one’s capacity to love, return, and grow. |
| This book is written for people who have walked away from a good shidduch and still wonder if they made a mistake. It’s for those currently dating who don’t know whether to trust their hesitation. It’s for parents who want to offer better guidance, and for shadchanim who need better language to respond when a promising match is unraveling for reasons no one can articulate.
We talk about hashkafic alignment, family fit, and lifestyle goals. But we rarely talk about what happens between Date 5 and Date 7—when the glow begins to dim, and two souls have to decide whether they can stay when it’s no longer easy. |
| What It Will Feel Like is a plea to expand the conversation. To stop viewing emotional change as danger. To begin viewing discomfort as information. To recognize that the spark is supposed to fade, and that doesn’t mean the match is wrong.
I wrote this not just as a professor and psychologist, but as the Director of Yismach. In working with hundreds of shadchanim and daters, I’ve seen the same pattern repeat again and again. Matches that could have led to beautiful marriages ended for reasons no one could quite name. The feelings changed. The magic slipped. But no one said what that actually meant. This book says it. |
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If you’ve ever doubted your own emotions while dating, this book is for you. If you’ve ever watched a promising shidduch disappear, this book is for you. If you believe that Torah, science, and deep emotional honesty can sit at the same table—this book was written for you.
What It Will Feel Like is available now as an e-book. You can download the book gratis as a perk from Yismach. This is more than a book. It’s the missing emotional framework our community has been waiting for. And for many, it might be the reason the next promising shidduch doesn’t end too soon. And here is the most profound paradox this book explores: It is precisely because we cannot perfectly predict how love will feel—that love becomes something we create. Affective forecasting fails because human connection is dynamic. And that failure is not a flaw. It is an invitation. The mystery of the heart is not meant to be solved in advance. It is meant to be met with courage, with trust, and with the humility to say, “I do not know how it will feel—but I am willing to find out, again and again, with you.” |
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