Eight Steps to the Chuppah

Before the chuppah, before engagement, before even the first shidduch date, there lies a critical period often overlooked in discussions of marriage—the time before starting shidduchim. Far from being merely a waiting period or a void to be filled, this time provides a sacred opportunity for personal development and spiritual preparation. The Torah perspective recognizes that the foundation for a successful marriage begins long before two people meet. It starts with the individual journey of becoming a person ready to unite with their destined other half.

Marriage is not a fleeting moment in time. It is the rediscovery of a bond that existed before birth and will continue beyond life itself. It is a microcosm of Hashem’s unbreakable connection to Am Yisrael, an eternal covenant that mirrors the divine love that knows no end. And so, when husband and wife stand beneath the chuppah, they are not merely celebrating the beginning of a life together. They are stepping into something far greater—a love that is timeless, a relationship that is forever, a soul-bond that is, in the truest sense, eternal.

A Torah marriage is not merely for this world but for all worlds. The effort invested in finding the right one, in building a foundation of trust and respect, in navigating challenges together—all of this serves not just temporal happiness but eternal unity.

A relationship that is built on eternal principles does not erode with the challenges of life. Love, in this framework, is not a firework that bursts brilliantly only to fade away; it is a ner tamid, a steady flame that burns ever brighter with each act of giving, with each moment of shared struggle, with each effort to bring more holiness into the bond between husband and wife. The Jewish concept of ahavah is not based on taking, but on giving. As Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler explains in Michtav Me’Eliyahu, the root of the word ahavah is hav—to give. The more two people give to one another, the more they become bound together in an unbreakable way. Love, in the Torah’s view, is not something that simply “happens” to us. It is something we create, something we nurture, something we build over time. And because it is built, it does not diminish; it only strengthens.

If marriage were only a relationship for this world, then the investment might seem overwhelming. Why dedicate decades of effort into something that ultimately ends? But the beauty of a Torah marriage is that it does not end. It is not temporary; it is not a fleeting arrangement for the years we inhabit this world. The Zohar teaches that husband and wife remain connected even in the World to Come. The bond between two halves of a soul does not disappear when the physical body ceases to exist. Rather, their union continues, a reflection of the deep, unbreakable connection between Hashem and His people. Just as Hashem’s love for Am Yisrael is eternal, so too is the love between husband and wife.

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